


Villains Anonymous

by Ima1



Category: Once Upon A Time - Fandom
Genre: AA for meanies, F/F, Humor, Regina loses her cool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10939515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ima1/pseuds/Ima1
Summary: Ever since her curse broke Regina, and the remaining villains who wish to reside in Storybrooke, must attend weekly Villains Anonymous meetings (think AA for meanies).Regina is becoming somewhat of a yoga master given how many breathing exercises she's done to avoid cursing the idiots she's surrounded with because she really wants to keep her sobriety chip. Maybe she slips, though, just a tiny bit. A few times. But she still thinks she deserves that chip. She had extenuating circumstances after all.*""Oh please, don't be ridiculous. I'm merely having some harmless fun. No hearts have been ripped out. No dark curses have been cast. I'm just releasing some pent-up dark energy, no biggie."No biggie? Seriously?! What is she, a teenager? Stupid mouth. She really has become one of the Lost Boys."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Basically just a silly idea. Set somewhere in season 6 but not canon compliant. The Evil Queen is in the wish verse. No Guideon arch. Emma is with Hook (unfortunately), but SwanQueen is definitely endgame. Any criticism is welcome!

Regina is trying really hard not to rip her own hair out listening to these morons (mostly because her hair looks really nice today and ruining it just wouldn't do). But seriously, if she has to listen to Ursula complain one more time about the unfairness of not being able to curse people who cross her she will- _no_ , breathe, in, out, count to ten, or a million, or however long it takes to forget about how insufferable that glorified squid is. And to think she once pretended to be her.

So she's breathing and counting and trying to drown out (unfortunately not literally) that smelly sea creature because she no longer turns people who annoy her into bugs. Or curses them. Or rips their hearts out. Or- well, any of those things which she had once found most enjoyable. She's _reformed_ now.

Now she is a glorified yoga practitioner based on how many breathing exercises she does per day. Seriously, she should probably think about that as an alternate career given how good she's become at it. Fair enough, it did take years for her to actually refrain from putting into practice all the enticing ( _no_ , evil) thoughts of hers, but she thinks if she managed this far that basically guarantees her a master's diploma in the enlightened disciplines.

Plus, it's not like most of the idiots in Storybrooke would know the difference between a real certificate and a fake one. Their 'education' did come with the curse after all. _Her_ curse, thank you very much, which they should all actually be thankful for, seeing as she considerably upgraded their lives from _peasants_ to actual middle-class citizens with indoor plumbing and electricity and home delivery.

Not that _any_ of them ever thanked her for it, but it's fine, breathe in, breathe out, who cares anyway (she kind of does, but she'll never admit it). She, for one, is very convinced that upgrading everyone's lives from having to shit in a bucket (or hole, which just, ew) to a toilet, most definitely guaranteed her a front-runner's place on this road to redemption that Archie is always talking about. She's pretty sure toilet paper also earned her a solid spot in the good guys' team, not to mention giving the people the luxury of a nice hot shower. And female hygiene products, because, honestly, tampons and sanitary pads should have just lifted her to hero status amongst her female subjects. Citizens. _Not_ the queen anymore (although everyone knows she still is, which is more than fine by her).

Anyway, she most definitely _does not_ care about any of that. But at least her thoughts distracted her enough that the squid finally shut her trap, and oh, what a glorious thing silence is.

Except now Zelena is acting like the teacher's pet and getting all excited about her turn. _Kill me now_. Please.

"Hello everyone, I'm Zelena and I'm a recovering villain," she says all perky with her saccharine smile.

And like the bunch of fools they are, they all reply in a chorus "Hi Zelena." Except for Gold - at least he doesn't join this circus. Although, to be honest, she's not sure what it means that she and the Dark One share the same thoughts on this clown show. But she won't dwell on it.

"So I've actually had a pretty good week so far. No wickedness. Not even a tiny little farting spell!" she says, genuinely surprised with herself.

Oh god, the level they have stooped to. And this is definitely a cue for Regina to tune out again because she is actually starting to get along with her sister quite well and it just won't do for her to think about ways to kill her.

Not that she does that anymore. No. Definitely not. She most certainly does not spend any time at all thinking of inventive (okay, fine, pure _evil_ ) ways to kill people. And definitely not Snow White, who she is actually good friends with now, family even ( _seriously_?! What the hell is wrong with her? How did she go from wanting Snow's head on a platter to considering her _family_? Ugh, she can feel the actual vomit in her mouth. Gross).

Oh, who is she kidding, she's not _that_ reformed. She does love Snow, and her sister, but sometimes they annoy her so terribly that she allows herself just a few moments of weakness to fantasize. Just a few seconds really (and what does it say about her that literally a few seconds is all it takes to bring forward one tiny little torture scenario from her vast mental library? - and what else does it say about her that she actually has a collection of those scenarios in her head?). Just for purely relaxing purposes.

Huh, definitely not _that_ reformed.

She should probably talk about it with Archie someday. Or in her sharing moment today, really, it's not like they wouldn't understand. It is VA after all, they're all _ex-villains_ like Archie always says. She's not so sure about the 'ex' part though, Gold is still sketchy as always.

But she's not here to judge.

And that thought almost makes her break her composure and burst out laughing in the middle of Zelena's story because if there is one thing she does when she is actually listening to the morons, is judge the hell out of their ridiculous problems.

Because seriously, who the hell cares about a stupid blind seagull who keeps trying to eat Ursula's hair because it thinks she's a fish? She can't blame the bird, really. Though it is quite amusing. She can't ever say that to Ursula though.

It's probably a good thing she doesn't actually listen to their ramblings that often. She already gets the stink eye as it is because they say she acts all superior (completely true) and she's the _heroes_ ' pet (that little comment made her break her two year reformed villain's sobriety streak and ended up with Maleficent sporting a bald head for weeks until she was able to find the reverse spell to Regina's curse, which Regina absolutely refused to give her - so now they just keep their mouths shut and settle for disdainful glares, which is more than fine by her).

She was actually pretty upset about losing her two year chip (they really do get chips, Archie went all out and they get a party with family and friends and everything, which makes her want to gag, but she does it for Henry), which she will never admit to, but the laugh she got out of Emma when she told her the story was kind of worth it.

If there is one thing Regina has to admit is how ingenious Archie really is. Sure, the bug is annoying as hell and judgmental and patronizing (okay, not really, he's actually pretty understanding and empathic) but his Villains Anonymous idea was actually not terrible. And that is the best anyone will ever hear her say about it because she is definitely not in the business of giving anyone an even more inflated ego. Stupid heroes. (She chooses to ignore, whenever she's in these meetings, that she actually is kind of a hero now, and she's pretty proud of herself. And the proud smile Henry and Emma give her these days is enough to make her heart swell.)

But yes, she definitely fought the idea with teeth and nails and she spewed such a litany of rapid-fire insults at Snow and Charming, when they had come up with the idea that she needed to do some community service and mandatory therapy in order to remain in Storybrooke and with Henry, that they had actually become physically stunned (which was hilariously satisfying for her inner sadist). That was back when the curse broke. The first one.

So, of course, she fought back and yelled at them and almost cursed them to hell again, although this time she had literally meant hell and not some idyllic coastal town (honestly, ungrateful idiots the whole lot of them), but eventually she had agreed. She would do anything for Henry, and she had to agree, even if only to herself, that perhaps some therapy would really help her deal with all her issues.

It is actually really surprising that, after all she went through, she didn't turn out much worse. Like a Hannibal Lector type of villain. Now _that_ is pure evil.

Though, admittedly, she didn't know that when they meant therapy Archie would suggest a group setting. Because she would have definitely said no to that. Probably. She wouldn't have had a choice really, but she likes to think she would have. Or at least made a great big fuss about it, complete with a few simple but annoying magical curses. For mental comfort if nothing else.

But anyway, Archie had suggested weekly sessions based on AA meetings program (not that he had any actual experience with those either but his fictional psychiatry degree supposedly gave him knowledge of that. And surely all those tv shows also helped- television! One more thing those ungrateful buffoons never thanked her for yet fervently loved. She almost strangled Snow - but again, _didn't_ \- all those times they were stuck in whichever realm and she kept complaining about missing her favorite soap. Who knew the goody two shoes was such a fan on Mexican telenovelas with all their drama and backstabbing? Truthfully, Regina was also a - closeted - fan, but she would never in a million years admit that), and the rest of Storybrooke's villains were forced to attend if they wanted to remain in Storybrooke. Which explained Gold's presence, because Belle, however insipid she was, really had a handle on him. And, though she was most cynical about the meetings at first, they did work. They spoke of their problems and triggers and helped each other cope with the impulses to curse everyone around them and remain 'sober', and it was...good. Surprisingly.

Which was why it was almost three years later and here she was, on a Sunday evening, coming to her weekly VA meeting and about to spill her guts out. Metaphorically so far (the squid's stench was really testing the efficacy of her esophageal sphincter though). But also only a really tiny portion of those metaphorical guts because she knew better than to open herself up to these people.

Before she knew it, Gold had stopped speaking (when had he started? She really was blessedly lost in thoughts) and Archie was looking at her the way he always did when he was silently willing and supporting her to speak. She barely contained an eye roll and cleared her throat, sitting up a bit straighter unconsciously.

"Okay, so I had a pretty-". Someone theatrically clearing their throat interrupts her. _Zelena_.

"Your name..." says Zelena with a wave of her hand, always the overly excited one.

"Oh for heaven's sake! We all know each other, I don't see why I have to repeat that ridiculous introduction every time!"

" _Because_... It's fun, sis! Come on, even Gold does it so suck it up."

That earns Zelena a glare that would have had any other person cowering. But her sister is a Mills after all, and more than used to her temper.

" _Fine_. Hello, my name is Regina and I'm a recovering villain," she says with an eye roll that almost let her see her own brain.

"Hi Regina," the morons reply like kindergarten children.

"So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," she continues, sending Zelena a pointed glare, "I was having a pretty good week until just a few moments ago."

*

She had been walking along Main Street from where she had parked her car towards Dr. Hopper's office. She had just turned to look inside her purse to search for her cellphone to check in with Henry when a scalding liquid hit her full on the front of her torso. She was spitting insults before she even saw who it was.

"Oh my gosh, I am _so_ sorry Regina! I didn't see you coming..."

_Snow_. Of course.

Deep breath, in and out. She could feel her magic itching to be released and for a moment she indulged in the thought of how nice it would be to have her fingers wrapped around Snow's throat while she struggled for air.

But she _didn't_ do it. Instead, she cleaned the burning coffee off her shirt and torso with a flick of her wrist and put on a (completely fake) smile. Breathe in, breathe out.

"It's fine Snow. Accidents happen," she said, smile still plastered on her face. Her cheeks were starting to hurt.

"Oh, but I'm glad I ran into you," and that's when Regina's cheeks gave up on trying to smile and she glared at Snow. "...uh...I mean, not glad I literally ran into you with a cup of really hot coffee, sorry again...just glad because I wanted to talk to you," she summed up with more confidence.

"What about? I'm going to my VA meeting though, so if it's going to take a while maybe you can call me later."

"You still go to those?"

And that earned her another glare and even more fierce than the first one. Of course she still went, it was a _program_ , she couldn't just very well quit when she thought she had done enough good deeds to be considered one of the heroes now. Plus, it was Snow's stupid demand that she do it _ad infinitum_ in the first place. Honestly, to think she had had a part in raising this woman...she was just such a _Charming_ sometimes.

But she decided to go for polite annoyance instead of her usual more snide comments. "Yes Snow, every week. Now, what is it you need, dear?"

Archie would be proud.

"Oh, good for you! Well, I'll be quick then, it's about Emma." That made Regina stiffen up immediately. "I was wondering when you'd like to start the wedding planning?"

"Uh, _what_?" And that was the best that could've come out of her mouth at that moment because the anger she could feel bubbling up inside was pushing her toward much more aggressive remarks.

"For Emma's wedding, Regina," she said in a condescending tone, "When do you want to start planning for it? I thought we could do it together because, you know, mother of the bride, best friend-slash-maid of honor... I've already got a whole dossier with everything we might need but I could really use the help and it'll be a fun bonding experience for us."

Her mind was stuck somewhere between Emma's wedding (cringes), dossier (what the hell? Overcompensating much?), fun bonding experience (fun for who now?) and _maid of honor_. When had that happened and how had that particular detail escaped her notice exactly? She most definitely would know if Emma had asked her to be her maid of honor. She hadn't, and Regina secretly hoped she wouldn't, though she wasn't ready to admit why it bothered her so.

"Snow, dear, Emma hasn't asked me to be her maid of honor," she said in the calmest tone she could muster.

"Oh, but she will, of course, silly! You're her best friend."

"She told you she'd ask me?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well no, but I know she will." There it was again, that tone she used like she was talking to a five-year-old.

All Regina could do at the moment was start doing her mental countdowns and try to swallow back the bile rising up her throat.

"I see."

"So when do you want to get together to start the preparations?"

Why was it that she had chosen to be one of the heroes again? A good fireball sounded extremely appealing right about now.

"I'll call you next week and we can organize alright?" she said, having no intention of doing it.

"Oh good. I'm so excited!" she said in a squeaky voice and some ridiculous arms movements.

"Yay..." Regina replied, fake smile plastered back on her face.

She could just feel something inside her breaking at the image of Emma marrying- _No_. She couldn't think about that.

*

"So let me get this straight" Zelena says looking like she's up to something. "You got pissed off because Snow burned you with her hot coffee?"

"I would've gotten a really bad burn if I hadn't healed it!" Regina replies defensively.

"And it was enough to make you want to strangle her?" she asks all too innocently but for her raised eyebrow.

Where is her sister trying to get with this? Whatever it is Regina is sure she will not be happy.

"Well, I always kind of want to strangle her. Just a little squeeze. But I don't!" she adds quickly for Archie's benefit.

"Right...so this had nothing to do whit her asking you help with the wedding," she says, framing it more like a question, eyes brimming with mischief.

"Don't be ridiculous, of course not! Why would I be angry about my best friend's wedding?"

And alright, her voice may have gone a bit higher there at the end but that doesn't explain the weirdly knowing and sympathetic looks she's getting from the rest of the group. She really wants to rip that stupid smile off Gold's face right now and Maleficent just looks way too smug for her liking.

"Hmhmm. I see."

Honestly, did the build-up of unreleased wicked magic fry Zelena's brain by any chance? It's the only reason for her ridiculous behavior.

"What?" Regina asks, irritation clear in her voice.

"Oh, nothing. You're definitely right, Snow White almost giving you a third-degree burn is surely what got you all upset," Zelena adds with a sweet smile, not even trying to hide the sarcasm from her voice.

Regina just huffs indignantly in response, choosing to ignore whatever it is Zelena is insinuating as well as the looks she is getting from the rest of the group.

Idiots, she's surrounded by _idiots_.

And she just wishes she wasn't one of the good guys now because a fireball directly aimed at their faces would be just the thing to lift up her rapidly declining mood.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Regina is pacing in her study, almost ruining the carpet by now, when she decides to pick up the phone and call.

It rings for so long that she wonders if her old friend even knows how to use these modern technologies. She almost hangs up when a raspy voice answers.

"Hello?"

"Maleficent. I need your help," Regina says, and she can almost feel the contents of her lunch coming back up at having to call for help. But it's for the best. She can't slip, she just can't. She has to control her rage, for Henry.

"Ooh, whose body am I helping you get rid off?" Maleficent asks, and Regina can just hear the mischief and amusement in her voice.

"That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid," she retorts barely containing her annoyance.

Why would she just assume that Regina went right back to full Evil Queen mode? Plus, let's not be ridiculous here, she'd never need help to hide a body. She's a professional.

So she breathes and swallows her pride and says "I need you to help me stay... sober. Good. No Evil Queen business."

"Like a sponsor?" she asks excitedly.

"What? You've been watching too much television, Maleficent."

Her friend just chuckles and says lightly, "You did trap me in a dungeon in dragon form for twenty-eight years. I have a lot to catch up on."

Damn. She really was on a roll, back in the day. In retrospect she could've been way nicer to her old friend, especially considering their past...romantic encounters. (Though if she's really honest with herself that played a big part in her anger towards Maleficent. She never did learn to forgive betrayal, especially from loved ones.)

"Right," she says a bit calmer, "Yes, I suppose I do need you to be my sponsor then. I don't want to lose another chip," she adds in a small voice.

"Oh, they really are adorable aren't they?" Mal comments excitedly. "Did you see mine? I got it bedazzled!"

Regina just rolls her eyes to the empty room and suppresses her annoyance.

"Dear lord. Focus Maleficent."

"Of course, so who are you trying not to kill?" she asks in a mildly more serious tone.

"Where do I even start? Let's see, Snow White and her idiot Charming, Captain filthy, my sister, the insolent little brat who called me a MILF in front of Henry, Miss Swan..."

"Emma, huh? _Really_?" and now Regina is seriously beginning to regret this phone call because why the hell does everyone keep bringing Emma up like they're implying something about Regina's... _feelings_? (Because she obviously doesn't have any. Definitely not.) "So what did your precious Miss Swan do this time?"

And if she weren't more distracted by the sudden influx of thoughts about said person and her ridiculously tight clothes, she might have taken more notice of Maleficent's teasing tone. But at this point she doesn't really care, she just needs to get it out.

"She's not my- She just...gets on my nerves." Oh brilliant, now she's stuttering like a lovesick teenager. (Which is absolutely preposterous because she is clearly not _in love_.) "And she probably won't be Miss Swan for long now. Considering how ridiculously sappy she's behaving lately I'll probably have to start calling her Mrs. Hook or whatever his last name is," she adds bitterly.

Oh, she really must stop thinking about this wedding. It gives her terrible indigestion.

"Oh...I see," Mal says in a way too serious manner. "Your call makes sense now."

Regina bristles at this and says through gritted teeth, "What are you implying?"

Maleficent actually has the audacity to laugh and add calmly, "Nothing special really, just the fact that now that your dear Emma is getting married you seem to be particularly close to losing your cool."

"I told you she's not _my_ anything," she all but spits out. "And I have no idea what you think you're talking about, Mal."

"Of course you don't." Oh how she hates the smugness in her friend's voice! "It's not like you've been living in denial for the past three years."

"Ugh, I don't even know why I called you," Regina says, knowing full well she's behaving like a teenager, sound effects and all, but too irked to care. "You are of no help at all. Goodbye, Maleficent."

She just laughs and adds teasingly, "Bye Gina, call me before you decide it's a good idea to add another hook to Killian's body!"

And she would snark back at the nickname if she weren't so distracted but the suddenly appealing vision of Guyliner with two hooks. Perhaps even ripping one out of his hand and shoving it- No. She can't give in to those (enticing) thoughts. Breathe, count, breathe. Be a hero.

 

*

  
By the next VA meeting, Regina had already had to endure an insufferable wedding planning meeting with Snow. She had tried to evade her the whole week but by Friday afternoon she was officially cornered and out of options. It wasn't as if she could say that the simple idea of helping plan Emma and _Hook's_ wedding made drinking a bucket full of burning alcohol seem like a much more appealing idea. And a much more appropriate analogy for how the thought of those two together made her feel.

Only because Hook was pure filth and Emma deserved much better. Definitely no other reason. And surely not what her sister and Maleficent had been implying. She wasn't _jealous_. Pft. Honestly, she is surrounded by morons. Completely delusional ones.

So now here she is, sitting in a circle of ex-villains and a pseudo-psychiatrist, actually paying attention for a change. Because, for once, listening to Zelena's eventful week is way better than dwelling on her own miserable thoughts that insist on drifting towards a certain blonde.

"So surely you can see how it wasn't really my fault can't you Archie? I really don't want to lose my chip," Zelena says, all innocence and sweet smiles and big round eyes.

Clearly, everyone took a liking to those damned chips, it makes Regina feel a bit less like a loser, though not by much because the level of her comparison group is not that high.

"I'm really sorry, Zelena, but we did speak about the rules," Archie says calmly, and Regina is sure she can hear just a bit of exasperation in his tone. "We said no wickedness, and that does, unfortunately, include transforming Leroy into a monkey and filling his pantry with nothing but bananas."

Zelena bristles and tries to defend herself. "But-"

"I know, Zelena," he says like he's explaining it to a toddler, which her sister sometimes acts like, so...understanding. "He did say you were looking a bit green and I know that's a sore spot for you, but that's the whole point of therapy, right? You have to learn to deal with anger in healthy ways."

Zelena is now pouting like a sulking five-year-old but apparently she seems to think that if you're going down for something you might as well go down for the whole thing, because she then adds in barely a murmur, "I may have also made him into a female monkey...and a lactating one at that."

And oh god, if the image of Leroy leaking breastmilk doesn't cheer her up after the week she had she doesn't know what will.

"But I turned him back!" she says after seeing the look of pure shock in Archie's face. And then adds meekly, "After a few hours..."

Hook chuckles and Regina, who has actively ignored him during all their sessions, has to remember the breathing and the counting because the sight of him is making her want to do some very non-hero like things.

"You still left the bananas though, didn't you mate?" the pirate asks with a smirk.

Archie is holding the bridge of his nose with an expression akin to someone praying for patience. One look around the group and Regina can see everyone struggling not to laugh.

Laughing at each other's slips is a big no-no for Archie (and no one wants to have two extra weeks of punishment added to their count before they can get their next chip. The bug really was onto something here. Regina prefers to ignore the fact that it is almost like he's training dogs - for her own mental sanity).

"Sorry, Zelena," Archie says patiently, "you're losing your one month chip, you have to start again."

Zelena crosses her arms furiously and Regina is pretty sure her sister is currently thinking of inventive ways to torture a cricket. Takes one to know one...

(If Regina is secretly proud that she is the record holder for good behavior, no one can blame her. One year is impressive for someone like her. And to think it would have been three if not for Mal...)

Archie, now sweating slightly after seeing the murderous look in Zelena's face, seems to think it's the right moment to change topics and turns to her. "Regina, would you like to share your week?"

She just shrugs slightly and says in her most bored voice "Hello, I'm Regina, I'm a recovering villain."

"Hi, Regina," they reply in a chorus.

She sits up a bit straighter and, after a few seconds of thinking, decides to go with what she's been mulling over for the past few days.

"Actually, I don't so much want to share as I have a few questions."

Despite his raised eyebrows, Archie says in his normal therapist voice, "Okay then, go ahead."

"Just out of pure curiosity, what's the limit for something I do before I lose my chip?" she asks in a nonchalant way, finding her manicured nails suddenly very interesting to look at.

He looks at her confused, as do the rest of the group, "I'm not sure what you mean..."

"Well, what's the line between pranking someone and being evil?" Regina asks, getting more animated. "For example, say someone really gets on my nerves, would it be evil of me to give them diarrhea for a month or just a silly prank?"

"Uhh..." Archie is looking completely lost but Regina barely pays him any mind.

Now that she started she's on a roll it seems, so she just keeps firing questions. "Or casting a spell on them so they'd basically speak gibberish for a week? How about cursing them so they wouldn't be able to sexually perform for a few days? Okay maybe that one is a bit evil," she adds mostly to herself, "but what if I turn them into a furry little rabbit?"

"Regina..."

"A cockroach?" she asks innocently.

"Regina..." he says a bit more firmly and definitely concerned.

"No animals?" Regina asks casually. "Can I give them just a few intestinal worms maybe? Not for too long. Just the really itchy ones."

Archie keeps looking at her like she's about to lose her mind and go on an evil bender and the rest of the idiots are exchanging weird looks between them.

Except for Hook. The bastard is looking at her intently with a smug grin on his unshaved face. Like he knows something.

Regina snarls at him and actively ignores everyone else, putting on a blank face.

Archie removes his glasses and begins wiping them before he calmly but perceptively asks "Regina, what is this really about?"

She puts on a sweet smile that almost hurts and innocently says, "Nothing, nothing, just...curiosity."

"I see...well I'd say you should probably refrain from all of the above," he adds, giving her a pointed look.

"Hmm, that's..." _too_ bad.


	3. Chapter 3

It's not like she didn't try. She really, truly did. She did the breathing and the counting, and then some more breathing after she reached 47 and was still absolutely furious, but it just didn't work.

Mal is going to _kill_ her (you're supposed to call your sponsors before you give in to temptation, at least it's what they say on tv).

Archie will... _fuck_. She really didn't want to lose her chip. Henry was so proud of her!

So now here she sits, surrounded by five people (one being obviously missing), and looking absolutely nothing like the queen she is. She kind of feels like a school kid about to face the principle. She's looking nervously at Archie who is waiting for everyone to settle down.

"Hello everyone. I see Hook is late today," he states curiously. _More like not coming_ , she thinks. "Does anyone know if he got held back by something?"

Clearly, since this is Storybrooke and all the villains ( _ex_ , she always forgets the ex) are apparently on the same wavelength, they all turn to her expectantly. It's as if they can smell trouble. They probably can.

"Well..." she starts, not really knowing how to go from there. Then she decides to just spit it out. "Hook's not coming today."

"Oh? What happened?" he asks with all the innocent of the _good_.

"Uhm, you see..."

*

Oh, she had been so good at keeping her temper in check. So damn good. She had managed to ignore the stupid pirate's incessant insinuations about her (alleged) feelings for Emma for so long. Even after the engagement, when he would look at her with all that smugness splattered on his dirty face, she'd still managed to rise above.

She had burned herself countless times from holding back fireballs because he was Emma's fiancé. She made do with insulting him at every turn and generally avoided being in the same room as him as often as she could. But the _fucking idiot_ just couldn't shut his mouth if his life depended on it ( _literally_ ).

She had gone over with Henry to Snow's house for their usual Sunday family lunch and she really should've expected to find the filthy pirate there with Emma, but for some reason, she really hadn't thought about him at all. She had been blissfully ignoring his existence for a while.

But then she walked in and her mood instantly soured when she saw him leering all over Emma. And the worst was, he saw her come in, he looked right in her eyes and then he turned back to Emma and all but devoured her face (she saw so much tongue that she felt completely nauseated) and groped her so inappropriately that Henry decided to take baby Neal up to Emma's old room and shut the door.

So that obviously made her angry (Mal might've been on to something with the jealousy. _Maybe_ ). And to make matters worse, he kept making lewd remarks all through lunch, putting his hands in body parts that should not be touched in a room full of people, completely ignoring how uncomfortable and disgusted he was making everyone else. Emma included, though she didn't actually do anything to stop it. (She wonders if love kills brains cells because people _in love_ act surprisingly stupid most of the time.)

She tried, she really did, but no matter how much she wanted to think herself a hero these days, she was no saint. One didn't become the Evil Queen by being all sunshine and rainbows after all. The darkness she kept bottled up deep inside was like a bottle of champagne after too much shaking, just begging to release the pressure. And Hook _really_ shook it that afternoon.

So that was how, after one comment too many on his part, she finally lost her cool and, with an almost unconscious thought and a flick of her wrist, the leather-clad imbecile was replaced by a cock, bristling feathers and crowing and all. (And all she could think of was, _there goes my one year chip_ because she totally broke Archie's 'no turning people into animals' rule).

Honestly, it was either a bird or a fireball to his face. She thought Emma would appreciate the fact that she didn't kill him. She didn't.

And really, she didn't think the rooster was such a departure from his usual self. He did like to behave like he was the alpha to all the chickens in the hen house, so...it seemed fitting.

Emma wasn't pleased though (to put it mildly). Henry laughed but then quickly put on a serious face so his other mother wouldn't be too upset. Neal was fascinated with the new loud animal in the house. David was shooting daggers at her and Snow gave her a weirdly understanding look which she chose to ignore.

Needless to say, lunch did not end well.

*

"And now Emma refuses to speak to me," she finishes her retelling, looking expectantly at the room.

Archie looks completely flabbergasted and begins to compulsively wipe his glasses while shaking his head. She feels oddly guilty for disappointing him. (Damn it, she's become _too_ good lately.)

Regina can see the rest of them trying, but she knows that it is only a matter of seconds, and sure enough, after Zelena bursts out laughing so does everyone else (not Archie, of course). Even she can't help her own impish smile.

"Oh god, sis, that is just brilliant!" Zelena says in between laughs, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Zelena, that's not really the response we're aiming for here," Archie admonishes in his usual calm manner, placing his glasses back on his face and looking like he might have recovered a bit from the shock.

"That's right, don't encourage her dear. Don't get me wrong, it's hilarious, but you should've called me Regina, that's what sponsors are for after all," Maleficent says, but she looks weirdly proud.

Archie looks between them confused until, Regina explains in an embarrassed voice, "I asked Maleficent to be my sponsor so I wouldn't do anything stupid."

"Well, that obviously worked out," Ursula says in her usual sarcastic way.

"That was a very good effort on your part, Regina," Archie says, and it kind of makes her really proud of herself. "I just wish you would've made more use of your sponsor before you...lost control."

And there goes her pride. Stupid bug, how does he make her feel all these pesky emotions? She decides to ignore to shame building up for having disappointed him, instead focusing on the image of the handless wonder half flying around Snow's loft.

(She wouldn't have thought that he would also have an amputated wing when she turned him into a rooster but it was an absolutely hilarious surprise. Emma didn't seem to think so, though.)

"You've just lost your chip, dearie," Gold adds with that creepy Rumplestistkin voice of his. And honestly, even _he_ is into this whole chip thing!

"I know!" And that is truly what she is more furious with herself about. She doesn't give a damn about Hook, but losing her sobriety chip yet again, after a moment's weakness, is just too humiliating. "I can't believe I pulled a Zelena. No offense, dear."

Zelena just waves a hand in dismissal because she knows as well as everyone that she is the worst at keeping her villainous impulses in check.

"So just to clarify," Archie says cautiously, "Hook isn't here because he's still...in animal form?"

Regina shrugs uninterestedly "I can only assume. I refused to change him back after what he said."

"Which was...?" Zelena prompts.

"He insinuated that I was jealous of Emma because she was getting her happy ending while I lost Robin not once but twice," she explains, her anger returning in full form just at the reminder of his infuriating and completely insensitive comment. Robin practically died _because_ of Hook, the asshole.

"Jerk. But were you?" Ursula asks innocently.

"Of course not!"

"Not for those reasons at least." Zelena snickers.

Regina gives her such a look that for once her sister actually has the decency to look embarrassed.

"But Emma has magic, why hasn't she changed him back yet?" Archie asks confused, clearly trying to figure out why Hook didn't make it to the meeting after all these hours.

"Pft, please," she says with an eye roll. "She's a terrible student. Great raw potential but awful attention spam. She would never remember such a trivial spell. She's all about action and raw power," Regina says offhandedly, only realizing what it sounded like after the words left her mouth. _Did she seriously just compliment Emma in front of these people?_

"So you plan on leaving him like that until...?" Archie asks cautiously.

"I'm sure the little flying pests have already helped their precious Savior, Dr. Hoper, no need to be concerned for Hook," Regina says dismissively.

"I'm more concerned about you, though. You don't lose control Regina, it's one thing you pride yourself in, and yet, lately, you've been acting a bit...out of sorts," Archie says, and the look he's giving her makes her feel weirdly bare. She instinctively crosses her arms and avoids his gaze.

Gold taps his finger on his chin and says, "Hmm, I wonder why..."

Regina levels him with a glare, feeling her magic flare up, and snaps at him, "Zip it, you little imp or you'll find yourself in a similar situation to your dear nemesis."

"Damn, girl, you have it bad for the Savior," the squid says with a laugh.

And that is how Regina finds herself losing control for the second time in one day. With a flick of her wrist, a flock of seagulls appears in the office and immediately flies towards Ursula (and she made sure to conjure up the infamous blind seagull just for extra effect).

Regina doesn't stay for the aftermath of that, disappearing in a cloud of smoke, feeling her blood boil and barely containing her shaking body begging for more magic to be released.


	4. Chapter 4

Regina's not even been home for five minutes, barely enough time to actually _want_ to calm herself down instead of reveling in her anger, when she hears Emma banging on the door and yelling for her to open it.

"Regina, I swear to god, if you don't open this door right now you'll find yourself without one!"

Regina just raises an eyebrow to the empty room and has half a mind to put a repelling spell on the door so Emma would go flying back the next time she banged on her door. But she is now positive that she has officially become one of the good guys (present day's events excluded) because even though she stalks toward the door seething, she still opens it to let in the fuming savior.

(And okay, yes. Maybe, there is a tiny little possibility that she is partial to the woman standing before her. Even as furious as they both are, Emma, with her hair loose and slightly wild, cheeks flushed and eyes bright with rage, still manages to take her breath away. Just a little bit. Maybe her heart beats a little faster as well. Though that is definitely due to the coming fight, she's sure. She doesn't have feelings. Attraction she'll admit to. Just purely physical.)

Despite her blood boiling in anticipation of the shouting match she's sure is about to happen, she puts on her best mayoral smile and her most sarcastically haughty tone of voice and says, "And who's gonna burst it down, Miss Swan, you or your precious pirate? Oh wait, might be a bit hard with his new size."

Emma's eyes flash with fury and she storms past Regina through to the foyer.

"What the hell is your problem?" she shouts after Regina while the later calmly makes her way to the study. She will be damned if she'll lose control of the situation in her own house.

Regina lifts an eyebrow at that. " _My_ problem?"

"Killian was just being his usual self, why the fuck did you go and turn him into a rooster?!"

Regina scoffs and looks at her in disbelief. "Yes, his usual misogynistic, insensitive, callous, arrogant, disrespectful self!" she spits out, her voice rising and her anger building up to dangerous levels.

"Oh, don't let me stop you, just put it all out there! Why don't you tell me exactly just how much you hate the man I'm going to marry!" Emma shouts right back, arms flailing while she gets closer to Regina until they're standing just a couple of feet away in the middle of the study.

"You've always known how I feel about him, don't even pretend this is news to you," Regina says with venom in her voice. "I know you've been acting like a blind fool in love with Captain Guyliner but you can't have gone that oblivious," she adds with a scoff.

"For fuck's sake, Regina, you're supposed to be my best friend!" Emma yells in what is getting terribly close to desperate frustration. About what exactly, Regina is not entirely sure.

"I _am_ your friend, but that doesn't mean I have to like the bastard or pretend you don't deserve much better than him! And I certainly don't have to take what he says in stride just for your benefit," she shouts back. And before she can stop herself her mouth decides to spurt out, "And you say I'm your best friend yet you let your fiancé treat me like shit without saying a word!"

Her eyes open wide with what she just let out. She didn't want to look vulnerable in front of Emma. And she definitely doesn't need her to defend her from anyone let alone that brainless mannequin. But still...it hurts.

She has been putting up with Hook's comments for years because of Emma. Anyone else and she would have turned him into a crisp a long time ago, redemption path or not, especially after his part in her torture all those years ago. Honestly, this was a long time coming and she doesn't regret it one bit. Next time she'll work on a more permanent spell.

Emma stiffens after her last comment but she's still seething as she says, "Give me a break, Regina, you give just as good as you get with him. In fact, he's only recently started to put up a fight with you, he was nothing but nice to you for ages yet you still insulted him at every moment!"

Ah. Now she has proof. Besides making people stupid, love really does make them blind (and deaf).

So she does what she always does when she's hurt. She strikes back.

"Well, perhaps it's because he made it oh so easy to play with, huh?" she says with her best Evil Queen smile. "I can't help it if you have such poor taste in men and all you seem to pick are the lowest of the low. But I'm willing to bet even the flying monkey back in New York was a step up from your dear _pirate,_ " she adds, lip curling in a sneer and voice dripping with disgust.

She can see the hurt flash through Emma's eyes but it's gone as quickly as it came, replaced instead by angry determination.

"Jesus Christ, Regina, why can't you just accept that he's the one for me?" she asks calmly. Too calmly. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you're acting all jealous," she adds, crossing her arms over her chest and raising a daring eyebrow. And there it is. Straight for the jugular.

Regina is taken aback by the sudden change in tone but manages an, only slightly shaky, "Don't be ridiculous."

Emma shakes her head and laughs but there is no humor in it, just an iciness to her voice. "Right, 'cause that would involve you actually liking me, which at this point I'm not sure you do or you'd be acting a hell of a lot more supportive."

Supportive? Is she really serious? Support the relationship that has turned Emma into a mere shadow of her former self? Emma used to have spunk, vivacity, she fought for what was right. Now, she accepts every little scrap of 'love' given to her by a man that literally wore her down until she gave in, who keeps lying and deceiving her and then begging for forgiveness. Even her appearance has deteriorated. She looks completely broken down now.

No, she won't be supportive of this destructive relationship. Even if it means Emma might hate her for it - and break her heart in the process. (Wait, _what_? Not like that, she'd have to have feelings for her to get her heart broken. No. Just as friends. Her heart breaks seeing her _friend_ like this, that's all.)

"I think you should go now, Emma," she says with all the calm and iciness she can muster.

"Yeah, you're right," she says and turns around, adding as she walks, "And not that you care, but the fairies fixed Hook."

"A pity. I thought the look really matched his personality."

"Screw you, Regina," she says before she slams the front door shut.

Maybe she breaks a few things after Emma leaves (or a lot - what's magic for, anyway?), Archie's breathing exercises be damned. Who can blame her, really? She is furious, but obviously not jealous. No, most assuredly not jealous.

Who even knows where all these people are getting this idea from?

_____

 

They're sitting in the usual circle in Archie's office, minus one member of the usual group and everyone but the shrink is looking at her with a mix of humor and what looks disturbingly a lot like pity. It makes her want to burn their stupid faces right off, but she refrains. She should really get brownie points for putting up with this shit.

Archie though, has mastered his disappointed yet understanding look to perfection and she is loathe to admit that it makes her slightly ashamed of her actions. Though not nearly enough to regret them, by any means.

"Regina. I heard you had an...interesting week," Archie says, finally disturbing the heavy silence in the room.

He is rubbing his forehead and squinting his eyes, and it amuses her how cautiously he is taking the situation. Almost like she's a wild animal and he doesn't want to set her off again.

Regina hums noncommittally and simply adds, "Quite."

"Care to explain?"

She gives him an eye roll and a very out of character shrug and says in her most bored tone, "Not particularly, no. But okay. Let's see... I sent Hook's ship on a little voyage, he won't be getting it back anytime soon," she says as she starts ticking off her fingers. "I turned Sleepy's car into a donkey, for obvious reasons. The idiot is a menace behind the wheel."

She hears a hum from someone in the group and nods her head pointedly.

"I put a spell on Snow so she couldn't make a peep for a whole day. It was pure bliss." And she can't help the slightly evil smile spreading on her lips at the memory. It was indeed a wonderful day. "And I gave Dr. Whale a bug infestation," she finishes matter-of-factly ticking off her last finger.

Archie is supporting his chin on his hand and shaking his head slightly trying to figure out what to say and she just gives him a blank look.

"Oh, that last one's not so bad," Zelena says with a smile trying to diffuse the tension, "That creep deserves much worse."

"Oh no, just hold your thoughts for a bit, Zelena. Where exactly was this infestation Regina?" Maleficent asked with her usual impish smile.

"His genitals," she mumbles sheepishly with a shrug.

Her sister burst out laughing and says, "You gave him crabs?! Oh, that's brilliant!"

"Zelena, you mustn't encourage this behavior" Archie admonishes, having finally found his voice.

He's looking significantly paler than usual, which is saying a lot.

"Sorry, doc, but my sister's really got a flair for the dramatic. It's hilarious. Plus, it's not really evil, is it? More like teenage prankster levels."

Ursula nods her head and adds, "Yeah, doc, it's not exactly her usual style, this is quite tame for the Evil Queen. Maybe this therapy thing does work after all."

Regina bristles up at that and says, "I'm not the Evil Queen anymore."

"No dearie, now you're just acting like a teenage boy pining for the pretty girl with the big bad boyfriend," Gold teases.

Fucking imp. She pointedly ignores him, deciding not to fall for his bait, but she can see his smile from the corner of her eye.

Archie shakes his head and puts his hand up signaling for everyone to quiet down and then turns to her.

"Regina, you have to learn to channel your frustrations in different ways. Think of Henry, you can't afford to slip even more into your old habits. You were doing quite well before, what changed?"

She determinedly ignores his question and says nonchalantly, "Oh relax bug, I'm not going to start ripping out hearts left and right. I'm just...venting. Letting out some steam or what have you. It's all harmless fun" she finishes with a sweet smile.

"Unless you're Frankenstein's dick," Ursula cackles, making the ex-villains laugh uncontrollably.

"Okay everyone, let's calm down. I think you should talk to Hook, Regina, he needs these sessions as much as all of you," Archie says giving her _the look_.

She laughs lightly and refuses to let his disappointment make her feel ashamed of her actions toward the brainless pirate.

"Oh, I'm not stopping him from coming to therapy. He can come, but he's too much of a coward to face me without his Savior," she says smugly crossing her arms.

"And please, he's about to join the good guys' family, they won't make him come to VA anymore, Archie, they'll just say Emma's true love miraculously rehabilitated him," Zelena adds with a huff and an eye roll.

Regina stares at Archie and says in a tone that brokers no argument, "I am _not_ apologizing to that filthy pirate, he had it coming and I would do it again."

 


	5. Chapter 5

  
Regina is beginning to wonder if she might actually have a problem now.

It does look an awful lot like she's an addict who's gone on a bender again, she has to admit. But, in her defense, she hasn't done anything even remotely close to her old Evil Queen's tastes. She's been positively tame compared to her old heart-ripping days.

Mostly she's just up to par with those Lost Boys these days, nothing really beyond the level of pranking. She thinks. Though some pranks really might be a bit more hard core then the usual teenage material.

Oh well, she does have a reputation to uphold after all. She can't just let everyone dismiss her as one of the good guys and stop fearing her. A good dose of fear is quite healthy, she thinks. Keeps people in place, stops any idiots from getting too close.

But, as she stands here looking at Emma's fuming face (who has been ignoring her for weeks since the Hook debacle - five weeks, three days and seventeen hours, but who's counting), she's wondering if perhaps she's gone a bit too far.

After her last VA meeting, the slight embarrassment she might have felt after the look Archie gave her was quickly replaced by righteous fury (okay, she can be honest with herself now - pure jealousy) after she saw Emma and Hook outside the wedding dress shop. He had his hook around her arm and they were talking intently but Regina barely kept her eyes on them for more than two seconds. Bile rising in her stomach, she quickly turned the other way and walked as fast as her heels allowed her.

Then, it was a series of (perhaps _slightly_ evil) pranks on whoever crossed her path and annoyed her even in the slightest.

Most of the town has been trying to avoid her unstable temper since then, practically running when they see her coming.

Emma has apparently had enough of both ignoring her and of her latest spree. She caught Retina at the diner and dragged her by her elbow all the way up to Archie's office without saying a word.

Regina was so shocked that she didn't even react, letting herself be dragged along in stunned silence.

So now, after interrupting Archie's session with Leroy (who sprinted away as soon as he saw Regina) Emma is finally looking at her in a way that makes Regina picture those cartoons Henry used to watch as a child, with the smoke coming out of her ears and fire burning in her eyes.

Archie is looking at both of them completely at a loss, head turning from one to another. Probably wondering why Regina is inexplicably calm in the face of Emma's fury and her still holding Regina's elbow.

Which reminds her (a bit too late perhaps). She vehemently shakes her elbow free and crosses her arms looking at Emma expectantly with a raised eyebrow, daring her to say what this is all about.

Emma keeps glowering at her furiously but says to Archie, "Fix her! I don't know what hell has gotten into her but this has to stop! I've had it with all the pranks or whatever the hell they are. I already have the Lost Boys to give me enough trouble about that, I don't need an out of control ex Evil Queen. So whatever her problem is, you have to fix it!"

"Uh...well, Emma, we have our weekly VA meetings where we talk about impulse control. Regina has been coming to them regularly-"

"Well _clearly_ they're not working anymore!" she shouts, interrupting him. "She's one step away from her old Evil Queen persona!"

Regina scoff and gives a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Oh please, don't be ridiculous. I'm merely having some harmless fun. No hearts have been ripped out. No dark curses have been cast. I'm just releasing some pent up dark energy, no biggie."

 _No biggie_? Seriously?! _What is she, a teenager_? Stupid mouth. She really has become one of the Lost Boys.

"Harmless fun?" Emma shrieks and turns to Archie in disbelief, pointing her hands toward Regina in a 'do you need any more evidence' way. "She put a spell on Sneezy so his ears grew every time he sneezed! His name is _Sneezy_ , for god's sake! He looked like freaking dumbo!"

Regina doesn't even try to contain the smirk forming on her lips and says indignantly, "The midget sneezed all over my brand new suit! It was _Chanel_. And the flying pests fixed him right up so I don't know what your problem is."

Emma just glares at her in frustrated disbelief but continues addressing Archie.

"Yesterday she made everyone speak Spanish for the whole day! We don't fucking speak Spanish! No one understood what everyone else was trying to say!" she says, voice rising with exasperation.

That had been absolutely hilarious in Regina's opinion. She had learned Spanish during the curse, obviously, amongst other languages of this world, and she had made sure Henry learned as well because there was no way her son wouldn't be fluent in the second most spoken language in his country. She had not raised him to be another typical white guy comfortable in his privilege.

What was hilarious, and not actually surprising, was the fact that Snow could speak Spanish as well. Definitely all those telenovelas she liked to watch. Though that quickly became rather annoying because, suddenly, Regina was one of the few people she could actually communicate with and she seemed elated to babble on and on and on. Regina was pretty proud of herself for not turning her into a bird. (Mostly because she was sure that bird-Snow would be just as annoying and fascinated with her.)

It made her wish she had cursed them all to speak Mandarin, though then she wouldn't be able to talk with Henry so...compromise.

"It was a wake-up call," she says haughtily. "You can't expect to live in this country and not have at least basic knowledge of the language."

Emma shakes her head in frustration and keeps going just as loudly as before.

"Last week she turned all the tap water into rainbow paint! Freaking rainbow paint!"

Why Emma keeps talking _about_ Regina instead of _to_ her is what she would like to know. Archie, for his part, is just sitting on his chair looking interestedly at the two of them.

"As mayor, I thought it important to support the LGBT community. This town is way too heteronormative."

Wow. Okay. Maybe tone down the gay a little bit. No need to be so obvious.

"Everyone was covered in paint after showering and we couldn't even wash off because, guess what? The water was paint!" Emma shrieks in exasperation.

"It's an issue I feel very strongly about," Regina replies calmly, straightening up her shoulders even more.

Emma just gives her a _look_ , something passing through her eyes amongst the anger.

"She turned Tiana's husband back into a frog!" she adds, infuriated.

Regina raises an eyebrow and arrogantly says, "If he's going to keep croaking at me whenever he sees me he might as well do it as a frog. Plus, it was a much-needed improvement on his looks"

"Tiana was kissing frogs left and right trying to find him!" Emma shouts, her hand flying up to grab her hair with such force Regina is afraid she might rip it right off. Which would be a real pity because she has such pretty hair.

"It's not my fault the idiot let him run away back to his swamp friends," Regina replies with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Emma groans in frustration and yells, "She gave all the men in town erectile disfunction for two days!"

Regina chuckles inwardly but maintains a straight face before Emma's outrage, who is still standing _really_ close to her and facing her with righteous anger.

"Only the straight ones. And I stand by it. They need to know how to please a woman properly. The clitoris is not that hard to find, honestly."

Emma finally turns around in frustration with her arms flying around and, with an exasperated groan, shouts, "She put a fucking spell on the mail! _Mail_ , Archie. It was flying around all day instead of being delivered normally."

Archie just hums noncommittally and keeps looking at their interaction with vivid interest. Regina is also interested to know what changed (could have something to do with Regina's little prank on Emma's car earlier today, who knows) because Emma has been ignoring her since their fight at her house after the rooster incident and now here she stands, almost talking to her.

More like at her, but...Almost.

(Maybe there is a small possibility that Regina's outbursts for the past few weeks have something to do with that. She misses Emma terribly and these days she'll be happy if she gets eye contact and a grunt as an acknowledgment from her. She knows that a part of her is acting out to get her attention. Another part, the bigger one, is acting out out of pure, uncontrollable jealousy and rage.)

"I was helping! Those slugs in the mail office are way too slow."

Emma shouts back in rage, "I got hit in the head by three different packages! Heavy ones!"

"See, _helping_ ," Regina says, voice laced with condescension. "Hopefully it shook your brain enough to help you see the truth."

Emma stops her pacing and stalks up to her stoping just a few centimeters from her face.

"And what truth is that?" she asks with a calm voice, though she's still panting, baiting her. Something flashes through her eyes as she looks at Regina, but it's gone before she can figure out what, replaced quickly by angry determination.

"Maybe you need a few more hits to head to figure it out," Regina snarks. She'll be damned if she lets Emma know what's been really bothering her these last few months.

Emma brings her hands to her hair again in frustration and shouts, "Fuck Regina!" before she storms off again to stomp across the room.

Regina smirks and venomously adds, "Oh no, that's your pirate's job."

At that Emma stops and turns to her, confusion clear in her face. "What?"

"Hum, Regina..." comes Archie's voice from the sofa, but she barely pays attention to his tone before she's crossing her arms again defensively and her lips curl in a snarl.

"Just go back to your precious fiancé, Miss Swan," she spits out, suddenly very tired of this interaction.

One would think after weeks of being in an Emma Swan desert she would be drinking her presence in like she had just found a fresh water oasis. But now she's just exhausted. Of everything, of fighting for her happy ending and never quite getting there, of having to see the woman she loves (and fuck, about damn time she admired that to herself) about to marry that sorry excuse for a human being.

She's just really tired now, so she barely has the energy to put up the usual disdain in her voice when she says, "I'm sure you've got some very important wedding details to attend to. You can continue to ignore me and my silly little pranks like you've been doing for the past weeks."

Emma is now looking even more confused, though the anger bubbling inside is still visible, as she says, "What the hell are you talking about? I broke up with Hook weeks ago!"

And that stops her brain dead in its tracks.

Regina just stares at her, completely taken aback and at a loss for words, face frozen in shock and mouth slightly parted.

Broken up?

"You... _what_?"

But... She'd seen Hook around Emma so many times lately. Though in retrospect, she didn't seem too impressed with him and he always had that puppy dog look and that infuriating hook around her elbow. She'd dismissed it as her own wishful thinking, but now... And she just assumed she wasn't being bombarded with any more wedding talk because of her...venting, that she'd been dismissed as made of honor (and she couldn't blame them, was actually quite glad).

But... Broken up. For weeks apparently. That's...

"You were right. He was a jerk," Emma says matter-of-factly with a rueful smile. "I broke up with him after the rooster incident. He treated you like shit and he was more interested in me being the savior than the real me. It took me longer than it should have to see it, but hey...I finally found some sense," she finishes with a self-deprecating shrug.

Regina is still stunned. Emma really broke up with Hook (partly) because of how he treated Regina?

"So the packages to the head worked?" she asks with a smirk, recovering from the shock and going back to her usual sass.

"God! You're such an asshole!" Emma yells in exasperation.

And then she stalks forward in a flash, grabbing Regina's cheeks in both her hands and kissing her firmly. And yes, the kiss is angry and full of frustration, on both parts, and there's probably more bitting that strictly necessary and definitely a lot more fervor and passion in it than would be appropriate with Archie in the room (whom both of them apparently completely forgot about), but it's also surprisingly tender and caring and Regina is completely breathless when they pull away and she can feel her cheeks burning up.

And she wants _more_. Definitely more. More kissing, more _Emma_.

Emma's eyes are shining and her cheeks are flushed, lips bruised, and there's a semblance of a barely contained smile even as she says, "Don't even think this gives you a free pass. I'm still fucking angry with you."

Regina laughs heartily and adds with a smirk and a raised brow, "But you want to kiss me again?"

"Goddamnit!" Emma groans loudly and turns to Archie. "Fix her, Archie!"

The bug smiles brightly and says, "Oh I think she's fixed."

Emma groans again in frustration and turns to Regina with a pointed finger upon seeing her smug expression.

"Oh, you wipe that smirk off your face because you are not nearly off the hook, Your Majesty. You're grounded!" she says seriously, and Regina has to really fight to keep her laugher in because a very naughty image of Emma in a more... _intimate_ situation saying those words just crossed her mind. "And if you want any more of those kisses you will have to make it up to me" she adds smugly, crossing her arms. "And the town! Twelve step program or whatever it's called."

At that Regina groans in exasperation, rolling her eyes for good measure.

"Don't give him ideas, you idiot!" Because _honestly_. The last thing she needs is even more fuss about this Villains Anonymous ridiculous nonsense.

Emma smirks knowingly and says, "Come find me when you've reached your make amends step. And stop with all this bullshit, for god's sake!"

Then she storms off, leaving a perplexed and absolutely ecstatic Regina standing in the middle of Archie's office.

Not even three seconds later and Emma stalks right back in and stops just in front of the door glaring at Regina.

"And you better turn my bug into a car again!" she says with a pointed finger. "You've got twenty minutes. The beetle is on my desk at the station. I'm sure you'll find it. It's the fucking _bright yellow insect_ in the jar!" And then she's off again, shouting one more thing as she stomps down the corridor. "And don't you dare turn it back inside the station!"

Regina laughs. And then finds herself touching her lips and with a stupid, goofy smile on her lips. She's sure she also has the dopiest eyes on her face but she couldn't care less at the moment.

"Did you see that, bug?" she asks in wonderment. "She really kissed me."

Archie gives her his brightest smile and says, "I knew she'd figure it out eventually."

"I..." Wow. Just, _wow_.

Emma Swan actually kissed her. It only took forever, but who cares. It happened! She might actually have a chance if she plays her cards right! Was Emma serious about the twelve steps thing?

(God! She's actually totally, completely, undeniably whipped. She will actually do it if it'll get her Emma, and the ridiculousness of the Evil Queen in a twelve-step redemption program for _love_ , of all things, just makes her want to burst out in hysterical laughter.)

Shaking her head from her thoughts and clearing her throat she straightens up and turns to Archie. "Okay then, I have a bug to turn back into a...well, bug. Do you think she'll still want to kiss me if I give her yellow death trap an upgrade?" she asks Archie with a playful smile.

He just gives her a pointed look and she actually laughs.

(Damn, she is clearly completely smitten if she's unashamedly behaving like a lovesick teenager in front of Archie!)

"You're right, better not risk it. Old piece of junk it is."


	6. Epilogue

Regina is nervous. Completely, ridiculously and absurdly nervous. And definitely way more nervous than she has any right to be considering this is the third time she's in this situation.

Although, in her defense, for the first two times the only one who'd come to see her was Henry. Now she has...well, Henry, obviously, but also _Emma_.

Her wife (and oh my god it still sounds like she's living in some alternate reality! Did she fall through a portal without realizing it? Could happen. Happens to Emma more times than would be acceptable for a normal human being. But, well, she's Emma. And gosh. _Wife_!) is sitting next to their son, both sporting matching looks of adoration and pride.

Which absolutely does not help with her nerves.

Now she has half a mind to kick both of them and their stupidly supportive smiling faces out.

But she can't, and she won't, and she doesn't actually want to. She wants both of them here, looking at her with exactly those faces and feeling all sappily proud of her. And she wants to show them that their faith in her is well placed. That she did it. She really did.

(For the third time but...details.)

And yes, she was rightfully angry (okay, not really. More like exasperated) with Emma for coming up with that stupid idea of a twelve-step program. Which Archie completely loved and made sure to implement straight away into their VA program. Ugh, she wanted to rip her hair out and maybe scoop one of her own eyeballs out with a spoon. And the idea of throwing a fireball (or ten) at Archie's face crossed her mind more than once. But. She didn't. Because she was a recovering villain and she'd mastered the breathing and the counting and the self-control.

Ha. Funny jokes. Who is she kidding? She was totally out of control. But she had...reasons. Good reasons. (Jealousy counts, right? Right.)

Anyway. She didn't do anything even slightly evil, that's the point. Not after Emma kissed her. And promised more kisses for good behavior.

(Honestly. If only Archie had come up with that particular idea before, all of that losing control ordeal could've been avoided. Emma's kisses were the best incentive ever! The man needs some pointers on how to be a better therapist, for sure.)

So, all in all, even if she loathed the idea of the whole twelve steps nonsense, she did it. And with a smile, believe it or not! Well, for the most part. Apologizing to Snow was...interesting. And she totally skipped that step with Hook but no one actually cared. Also helped that he left town in search of his beloved boat. (And good luck with that,  _pirate_!)

But hey. It worked! She did all twelve steps and group therapy every Sunday as usual and no more pranks and now here she was. About to get her one year chip. (Again.)

And she won't even lie. Most of her incentive for quitting her...venting (she's sticking with that) was Emma. That kiss was quite something. Unfortunately, Emma was not kidding when she said there would only be a repeat performance when she completed the program and fixed up her act.

So there was a lot of waiting. And pining. Daydreaming for sure. Also, a sexy dream or two (or twenty?) and more solo time than she'd like to admit while thinking of Emma in nothing but her red leather jacket. But hey, she's only human. Whatever got her through the program, right?

Yes, sounds about right.

The point is, she did it. She got the chip (almost, in a few minutes, but it still counts). And the girl. And that's really the most important part. Wasn't that why she lost her cool?

She really did have a flair for the dramatic when it came to love. But it was kind of worth it, come to think of it. Because if she hadn't lost control and turned Hook into a cock, Emma might not have realized, at least not soon enough, that he really was a...well, cock. Seems as good a description as any.

So really, there were obviously some benefits to letting her blow off some steam. Which was why Regina and Maleficent had come to an understanding. It usually went something along the lines of: "Mal, if I don't burn some _thing_ today I'll burn some _one_!", to which she'd casually reply, "Okay. Meet me at our spot in five?" And then, when Regina would get to the clearing in the woods they usually met up at, there would already be a straw figure with an uncanny resemblance to a certain filthy pirate. Dressed in black leather which stunk of fish and rum and even a hook on one straw arm. And often even an eyepatch or a wooden leg. "Really Mal? You know he never had either of those, right?", "What? It's just for added effect" she'd reply with a smirk, "It's cathartic".

And that it was. Oh, how it was. She'd burn it to a crisp in no time while picturing the real version, only for Maleficent to conjure it right back for her to burn it all over again. She really was the best sponsor.

And that was basically how she managed her temper these days. Because it was an absolutely ridiculous notion to think that ex-villains, reformed as they were, didn't need a way to vent their frustrations that didn't include talking oneself to death. No wonder her sister could never hold onto her chip for more than a month.

It was almost ingrained in themselves. Someone pisses you off, you lash out. It was almost automatic, no real thinking required. Sometimes they didn't actually truly mean to lash out, it was just instinctual. It was a bit ridiculous to think that years of learned behavior would change with just talking.

Thankfully, Archie finally seemed to get this point. Now they were trying out a new program where he encouraged them to find ways to let out some steam without hurting anyone. Like burning your wife's ex-fiancé's mannequin repeatedly. It worked. No real pirates were injured in the process. Everyone is happy.

Now even Zelena had a three-month wicked free chip! She was ecstatic. She'd taken to painting it glittery green and wearing it around her neck. Ridiculous, but...totally Zelena.

Reminiscing has certainly distracted her form her nerves but now another look at Emma and they are flooding right back in like a furious tsunami.

And it shouldn't be like that. It usually isn't at all. Emma is the one person who can calm her down no matter what. Well, unless her anger is directed at her, then there's no calming her. But other than that, it's her. It's one of the things she loves so much about her. Those blue-green eyes and bright smile make her feel instantly warm and serene.

But that's the thing. She loves her. She really absolutely does like she hasn't loved anyone before. Daniel was her first love, innocent and pure. Different. Robin was gone so quickly they barely even had time. But Emma is...all-consuming fire and passion. Everything. Which definitely raises the bar.

She still can't believe she actually married the woman. She honesty wakes up every day and has to stop herself from pinching her arm to check if it's real. She'd spent so long holding back, avoiding thinking of Emma in any romantic way possible for fear of disappointing herself even more because she was so convinced it would never happen. But it did. And it still feels like a dream.

Regina had been having a bad day. One of those days where her demons catch up to her in her nightmares and don't leave her when she wakes up. One of those days where even Emma's presence is not enough to push back the regret and despair and self-hate. So she left the house without saying a word and lost herself in her own swirling nightmares.

But Emma found her. She always does. How disgustingly _Charming_ is that? But also amazing. And so she found her alone in the woods, in her usual clearing, desperately sobbing her sorrows away. And somehow she knew what that day's despair was about (maybe she'd spoken in her sleep?) because Emma conjured up two straw figures, a queen with a crown of hearts, and an old king with a white beard. Their identities unmistakable.

"Burn them," she'd said, with a small understanding smile. And she did. While crying, snot and all, vision blurry from tears and missing her target half the time, but she burned both of them to the ground. And then cried some more. But she felt...free. Finally.

And so, to her embarrassment (though not regret, never that), amidst tears and snot and red puffy eyes and wet voice, she asked the inevitable question to this woman who understood her so profoundly and loved her so deeply. "Marry me?"

It was ridiculous, she was a mess and she didn't even have a ring and they'd only been dating for six months, and she told Emma that once her brain had caught up to what her mouth had just blurted out, but Emma's answer was the same. Yes.

"And it hasn't been six months Regina" she'd said between happy tears and face-splitting smiles and a thousand kisses, "more like four years."

So that was that. Now they're newlyweds and her wife is looking at her adoringly and she's a nervous wreck because this woman is everything to her. Emma and Henry are it. Her happy beginning and her happy ending. And she can't screw it up again. For her, for them. She has to be better. The stakes are higher this time around.

Well, that'll definitely make her feel relaxed.

Although she knows, of course, that, were she to slip a little, like before with her teenage pranks, they would still love her. Logically she knows that. But tell that to her racing heart. The stupid thing has a mind of its own.

And before she knows it Archie's rambling becomes suddenly clearer as she hears her name being called and she's jerked right back to reality.

"And now I'm proud to give this one year reformed villain sobriety chip to Regina, who has worked really hard at redemption for the last four years. But sometimes even the strongest of us fail and that's why we have a support system in place for when that happens. So, Regina," he says beckoning her forward to the front of the room," I'm very happy you've found a healthy way to release your frustrations and that you no longer resort to your old ways."

"I kinda liked her better as the evil queen, though," says Zelena with an impish laugh.

Ursula chuckles and says, "Definitely, she had sass and a fiery attitude."

"I still do, thank you very much, I just choose to do so in less evil ways," Regina snaps with a smirk.

But then she realizes that's she's about to receive a chip for being a do-gooder and she looks at Henry and Emma and smiles her most honest and happy smile as Archie hands her her chip.

They clap. Loudly and way too enthusiastically. Emma and Henry worst of all. Somehow Snow White showed up without her noticing and is now cheering like a proud mom at a soccer match (which is a whole other level of weird because at one point Regina used to be Snow's mother figure, but these days the roles seem to reverse depending on the situation) and Regina is very glad for her darker skin tone or she'd be blushing like a teenage girl.

She pulls a face at the ridiculousness of the situation and says something about all the fuss they're making and how obnoxious they all are but inside she's beaming. And as Emma and Henry approach her for a hug she rejoices in their embrace and her heart fills to the brim with warmth and love.

But, she also knows, sooner or later she'll give Mal one of their calls and they'll burn some shit down.

She still is the Evil Queen, after all, reformed villain or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this silly little story of mine. Thanks for reading!


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